November 28, 2012
Has this ever happened to you? You’re a girl (which I know rules out about half of you), and you’re on a date, and the guy pulls into your driveway driving a souped-up, white, lifted Ford truck. He jumps the eight feet to the pavement, kicks the dirt off his dressy Pumas and checks his [...]
Greetings, friends, ladies and gentle-creatures of the Grand Forest Council. Chairman Raccoon, Vice President Spotted Owl and Secretary Ground Squirrel, I thank you for putting off more popular issues like the new Acorn Storage Initiative today in an effort for me to voice my concerns. I, Thaddeus Thomas Turkey III, come humbly before you today [...]
Continue reading …I will soon be a father, and this has made me realize that (1) I am poor, and (2) my current academic trajectory points me toward a life in education, which doesn’t really fix No. 1. So, after I read that there are about 26 million copies of “The Hunger Games” trilogy in print, I [...]
Continue reading …Congratulations! Election results are out, and we now . . . have . . . candidates . . . 13th district . . . blah blah blah . . . yuck . . . I’m sorry. I can’t write about that, and I bet you wouldn’t want to read it if I did. Here’s what [...]
Continue reading …You all disgust me. That’s right. You disgust me, with your sexy kitten costumes, your lifelike front-porch models of Freddy Krueger disemboweling a teen, and your bowls of chili labeled repulsively as “Zombie Stew” or “Boiled Trick-or-Treater.” You people, you . . . adults . . . who saw all these children running around with [...]
Continue reading …(A version of this story first ran in The Signpost in October of 2010.) This year for Halloween, I’m going as Shmooey the Wonder Boy. “Who is this Shmooey the Wonder Boy? Where might I purchase his costume? Is it in any way an ethnic slur?” These are questions I’m sure you’re asking, and I’d [...]
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