Abstract Academic: On the 11th day, God made a yoga instructor

And on the eighth day, God looked down on his planned paradise and said, “I need a caretaker.” So God made a farmer.

And on the ninth day, God saw that the farmers were doing one heckuva job taking care of the things that really mattered, like calves and corn and brush fires, and he decided that the world needed some folks to describe what those farmers were doing, and to record what noble folk those farmers were, using heavily rustic pastoral imagery. So God made a writer.

God said, “I need somebody with frail arms. Somebody who hasn’t seen the sun before noon since college. I need somebody who stays up for a week watching every episode of ‘The X-Files’ in a row, all in the name of ‘character research,’ only to turn around and hand in another lame zombie novel to his publisher at midnight on Sunday.” So God made a writer.

And God saw that there were now too many pasty folk living on tropical islands, working under the guise of “writing travel guidebooks,” and that, all across the world, Starbucks franchises were being overrun. So, on the 10th day, God made a businessperson.

God said, “I need someone with profit in their eyes. Someone who can take a terrible idea like, you know, a social media service named after the sound a bird makes, and then get everyone they’ve ever met to use this service for communicating more than they do now, but with a lot less depth. They will all write ‘clever’ things about the Super Bowl power outage (e.g., ‘thanks for using all the power, Beyonce #destinyschildstillexists? #hotwingscoma’). And the entrepreneur will make money off of this, somehow.”

And then God saw the corporate fraud, and the unhealthy 90-hour works, and he saw that these businessmen and women were overcompensating by opening too many Starbucks franchises (they were supposed to be a sure thing!). Things were getting really stressful down there. So, on the 11th day, God made a yoga instructor.

And on the 12th day, God saw everyone was chilling out a little too much, and wearing their yoga pants from sunup to sundown, even at the grocery store. So God took the 12th day and made accountants, dentists and long-distance runners, just to introduce a little discipline and seriousness into the world.

And on the 13th day, God saw that, though there was more worldwide motivation, communication was becoming stilted and boring (and filled with stale jokes about protractors, incisors and gel insoles), so God made salesmen, public relations experts and daytime talk show hosts.

And on the 14th day, God made a bunch of mute woodworkers who don’t own televisions, because he had gone a little too far with the daytime talk show hosts, and needed some balance.

And on the 15th day, God saw a need to keep the public from talking directly to these businessmen, accountants and salespeople, because of Motivational Business Cliche-Poisoning (“I’m sorry, John, but you have a case of the Stretch Goals, and it’s terminal”). So God made customer service representatives, all to dilute the chain of jargon-heavy business talk.

And on the 16th day, God saw that these representatives were taking a little too long on their breaks, and were instant-messaging the other cute representatives while they were on the phone, and that they needed just a little accountability, and maybe some small pushes in their lives. So God made middle management.

And on the 17th day, after all the middle managers were found murdered with their own yoga pants, God made filmmakers to tell the stories of mankind’s troubles.Also, a lot of the writers were out of work, and needed something to help out with, like a documentary, or a new science-fiction series.

And on the 18th day, God saw that the filmmakers and writers were too busy giving each other prestigious awards, so God made that old neighbor guy down the street. You know, the guy who hates all forms of new media? Who laughs at the words “vinaigrette” and “metrosexual,” and makes fun of art films? Yeah, that guy.

And on the 19th day, God made some more yoga instructors, because hey, why not?

And on the 20th day, God saw that the economy was improving, and more writers were ending up with hot yoga instructor spouses, and God rested.


Posted by on February 5, 2013. Filed under Abstract Academic, Columns, Opinion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>