Abstract Academic: Oh, (fill in the blank) University, we love thee!

Why should you, the average high-school senior, decide to attend school in Utah?

Here’s why. Utah schools are the tops! Literally! We here at the Organization of Higher Educators’ Council for Knowledge in Utah (O-HECK-U) are always encouraging enrollment at any one of our fine in-state institutions of higher learning. Our motto? “Higher learning in a higher climate!”

Which, apparently, is also the motto of some Colorado universities, but we believe that, because of a few recent substance laws being passed, there are a few double entendres going on there. We at O-HECK-U officially frown upon Colorado.

Anyway, our organization has put together a tantalizing new ad campaign (filled with lots of pictures of arches, temples, salt flats and blonde Californians going skiing in Park City) designed to lure you out-of-staters away from your local safety school and toward our lovely local universities.

Here are a few excerpts from our new brochure, including some student testimonials. As you read them, picture yourself surrounded by friendly faces in a Provo frozen yogurt shop, or on the windswept, freezing grounds of Utah State, or in some classroom in wherever the #$#$ Southern Utah University is, and you’ll feel right at home. Here goes:

“Come to school in Utah, where you’re always just a few minutes away from great sights, great culture and great snow. And, if you’re going to Weber State, just a few minutes away from your mom’s great fridge.

“That’s right. Our beautiful state is proud of the support we give to those in the field of education (except for all of those in public education). The early settlers of our state put a high priority on education. In fact, many Utah schools were founded by original pioneers of the Mormon faith. Some of those same founders are still teaching Victorian literature at BYU.

“Still not convinced? Well then, here are a few enticing messages from students at some of our more noteworthy schools (also, one from a kid at the College of Eastern Utah). If they can’t convince you to come here, then we don’t want you! Unless you’re a football recruit, in which case, please come anyway.”

UNIVERSITY OF UTAH — Sandra Mbeke Chang-Benitez, senior:

“Located in the heart of Utah, this school boasts one of the nation’s leading medical programs, a wonderful tradition of rushing onto football fields for literally any reason (including the celebration of just having rushed onto the football field), and the highest student-to-scarf ratio in the state. Really. There are just scarves and hipster glasses everywhere. Do you love indie bands and pretending to have read Ernest Hemingway? Then you should come here.”

BRIGHAM YOUNG UNIVERSITY — Karlee J’Anae Jensen, sophomore:

“Located in the other heart of Utah (the non-scientific one), BYU is a private university run by the LDS Church. Ninety-eight percent of the student body actually belongs to the church, and are asked to follow an honor code which mandates behavior according to LDS teachings (e.g., being honest, not wearing skinny jeans, really loving Brian Regan, owning ‘The Princess Bride,’ abstaining from lots of fun things and mentioning at least once a day that you ‘you know, lived in the Philippines for two years, and the people were so awesome‘). Also, Jimmer ‘Not As Good As Damian Lillard’ Fredette went here, and he is so cute.”

UTAH STATE UNIVERSITY — Tanner Hunter Carver, junior:

“We are nothing like BYU! We hate BYU! They’re the worst. We have nothing to do with them, and we are awesome, and Logan is way better than Provo. Also, we almost beat BYU again this year! Go, Aggies! Yeah! BYU is the worst!”

WEBER STATE UNIVERSITY — Natalie Ward, super-senior:

Editor’s note: Natalie did not get her pro-WSU paragraph in on time, because she works three part-time jobs and has two kids. Nobody else volunteered to help.

SOUTHERN UTAH UNIVERSITY — Billy Huff, part-time theater student:

“If you really love to sing and dance, come here. Also, we have a Walmart Supercenter now.”

UTAH VALLEY UNIVERSITY — Kami Hillstrom, future BYU junior:

“We’re a great school. Some students are even choosing not to transfer to BYU after two years now!”

DIXIE STATE COLLEGE OF UTAH — Heber Woodruff III, NRA member:

“The liberal media is trying to change our name to something more politically correct, which my dad and three moms tell me is unconstitutional. You know what I say to that? Get the U.S. out of the U.N.”

USU-COLLEGE OF EASTERN UTAH — Justin Jones, forgot to apply other schools:

“The city of Price is great. I mean, have you seen it? No? Oh.”

SNOW COLLEGE — Sarah Nielson, perpetual freshman:

“Andohmygosheverynightwegooutdrivingatlikemidnightandohmygoshthereare (breath) reallygoodfriesandFrostiesattheWendy’shereandlikeit’ssofun.”

SALT LAKE COMMUNITY COLLEGE — Tim Johnson, “Call of Duty” enthusiast:

“Sorry, no time to write this. I only have two years to figure out this whole school thing.”

BYU-IDAHO — Braxton Smith, ward mission leader:

“We’re the most modestly dressed school in Northern Utah!”

WESTMINSTER COLLEGE — no one:

We at O-HECK-U could not afford to pay any students at Westminster to write something here.


Posted by on December 3, 2012. Filed under Abstract Academic, Columns, Opinion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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