Class-1 zombie outbreak at WSU

Last Wednesday, Mar. 25, the walking dead moaned their way into the hearts of several Weber State University students, and left little behind but smeared gore and terror. According to investigative police reports, several "accidents/homicides" occurred in and near the Shepherd Union Building north-side entrance by the Bookstore. "Several individuals were acting homicidal and clearly under the influence of mind-altering drugs," said Ogden City Special Investigations Officer (OCSI) Shaun Maxwell. "They were attacking anyone within their line of sight without discretion. I've never seen anything like it - they ripped apart and bit anyone they could reach. It was like a bad movie. We are still trying to determine from toxicology tests what sort of drug made them completely lose their minds." In all, seven bystanders fell to the attackers before being subdued. Specific names are still pending, but WSU small arms and melee tactics sophomore Pegg Brooks said he saw "several improv theater freshman eaten alive," including his classmate, junior theater major Elija Allens. Brooks said he thought some of his classmates were performing a live improvisational theater piece. "Last week our professor mentioned something about being ready to throw ourselves into a situation whether or not we had prepared at all for it," Brooks said. "I saw Elija stumbling around and moaning and thought 'well here's my chance, what the hell.' I dropped my bags and began to mimic his movements, but when I got near him he grabbed me and bit me. I was so startled I punched him in the head and - and he fell back onto a metal spike in one of the flowerbeds. I didn't know brains were that white." Brooks said he was not going to cancel his camping plans for that evening, despite his wounds and the emotional trauma. "I just have to get away from it all," he said. "My head is spinning from all this excitement and the mountains allow me to unwind." Allens was a junior in the WSU theater program. Several other nameless and clearly confused students reportedly attempted to calm the deranged people, but were attacked. Details on what happened to these unfortunate few are sketchy, as bystanders began to panic. "It was chaos," said WSU staircase renovation major Gabriel Black. "I kept asking people what was going on, and they just yelled something about blood and zombies and kept running." As luck or fate would have it, the nearby WSU Bookstore-sponsored "Rock Band-A-Rama" had scheduled the educational rock group the Zombie Offensive Neutralization (ZON) to play as part of the show. Reportedly, one of the deranged attackers stumbled into the venue, and was quickly dispatched by the group when he moaned his way onto the stage and attempted to bite the lead guitarist. The band was unavailable for comment because they had to fly immediately to Holland for a Zombie Awareness benefit concert and had no need to attend the Rock Band-A-Rama Awards Ceremony, but they reportedly "slayed every last one of them mother (expletive deleted)," according to Vincent Wilkes, a janitor on duty in the SUB when the slaying took place. WSU's own Paranormal Research Department (PRD) investigated the event alongside the OCSI. Saturday they released a press release that speculated the Solanum virus had lain dormant in the frozen topsoil near the entrance to the Bookstore, and last week's spring thaw allowed for its proliferation to the local wildlife, which were most likely stray cats, according to the report. After learning of Brooks' injury, the PRD dispatched search crews into the Wasatch Front, but due to an uncooperative OCSI, the search will "not be as extensive as it should be," according to the press release.