Of Dr. Laura and cement trees

My mother and I listened to Dr. Laura Schlessinger rant on the AM radio last week while we were on our way to California for my second cousin's first wedding. Just as the 87-foot tall "Tree of Utah" loomed over us as we traveled Interstate 80 between Salt Lake City and Wendover, Schlessinger urged a woman to cut off all contact with her sister because she was living with a man before she married him. By some leap of reason, Schlessinger said Thanksgiving dinner at the sister's home could lead to pedophilia and group sex. We kept listening with amazement while Schlessinger told another caller she must not go help her ailing mother because the caller's husband didn't want her to. Although Schlessinger is also known to tell radio listeners to "honor thy father and mother," this philosophy of severing family ties is why Schlessinger's mother was found dead in her condominium in December 2002. Her mother had been dead for several months before the body was discovered. "I didn't know Dr. Laura was still on the air; I thought she'd been eaten by rats or something," I said to my mother. When I checked later, I found out I was dead wrong. Oooo, snap! The Spring 2006 book for Arbitron, a radio audience research company, shows Dr. Laura is making a comeback. She's 21 percent more popular this year than last year among adults age 25 to 54. She's number one among women in that age group, which explains why I am actually related to people who adore her. Her audience exceeds 450 million, which exceeds the circulation of The Signpost exponentially. I don't know what's more strange: The giant cement tree in the middle of Utah's west desert or Schlessinger's continued popularity, despite one extramarital affair in the 1970s that led to her nude pictures published on the Internet in 1998 and a later affair that led to her present husband leaving his then-wife and three dependent children. Dr. Laura says a divorce should never happen unless there is one of the "Three A's: Abuse, Addiction or Adultery," which must be why she provided the adultery so her future husband could leave behind the clingy wife and pesky kids. I was under the impression Schlessinger's career was an animated corpse looking for a place to lie down, yet her tirades linger on the airwaves like the same rancid smell ignored by the good doctor's mother's neighbors. To me, listening to Schlessinger talk about morality and family relations is identical to hearing Rush Limbaugh sermonize about the evils of drug abuse moments after he unhinged his reptilian jaw to suck in even more illegally obtained Oxycontin. But the right wing is particularly good at ignoring things as obvious as a ghastly $1 million cement tree shedding its ceramic tiles beside Interstate 80. Consider President Bush, who as of Friday, said he still supports Rep. Mark Foley (R-Fla.), despite the man's alarming tendency to sexually harass underage congressional pages. Since Bush is opposed to gay marriage, perhaps Foley reassured the president he wasn't planning to formalize any unions. Just as obvious as the big tree desecrating the desert was the sheer stupidity America invading Iraq without first developing an exit strategy. The troops are now putting up buildings for themselves meant to last for several years: There can be no more denying that American oil interests have too much to say about American politics. Locally, the gondola may soon grace Ogden's skies, and while it's not likely to lead to an apocalypse, it is more likely to introduce than solve problems. Yet there it will be in a few decades, just like that cement tree from 1981, still hanging overhead as a reminder of squandered resources and money. By Schlessinger's standards, I shouldn't be speaking to any of my family or attending any weddings, since I disagree with so many people. I should abandon my relatives when they say or do things I disagree with, move away from Ogden and resign my American citizenship. Yet somehow, all of us keep trying.